Infidelity and how you can heal

Are you trying to regain trust in a partner after one or multiple infidelities?

Do you feel betrayed, abandoned and constantly on edge? Ready to move forward?

“I cheated,” those two words hit you harder than a sack of bricks. Like the wind has been knocked out of you and devastation took its place. You have so many questions racing through your mind, flash backs to specific moments when your partner said they had to “work late” or “went out with friends”, but you’re so angry, sad and disgusted that you stumble on every word. Nothing makes sense, irrational thoughts take over and you begin to wonder if this person has EVER even loved you.

My advice, let yourself feel it all. Allow any emotions to come and go, cry for hours, go to the gym or do whatever it is you need to release these emotions (including downing a whole cheesecake, there’s no judgment here). I call these moments ‘a glowstick moment’ because sometimes we need to break before we can shine. We only hurt ourselves if we choose to deny the truth, block out emotions and keep our guards up. Set boundaries with your significant other and set them for yourself. If you choose to remain together, take time to collect yourself before acting on all the rage you feel. Acting on emotions only allows those emotions to now be in control.

Self-healing is a crucial first step when moving past infidelity. Women are emotional creatures, we tend to act on whatever we feel in that moment, this is where revenge and sexual desires come to play. Thinking about the experience, you may say to yourself, “I’d leave him/her…never sleep with them again…I’ll sleep with their best friend and show them how it feels”. First of all, you can’t get over someone by getting under someone else. The blunt truth is that people who cheat are emotionally detached from you for one reason or another. Trying to get revenge just backfires because they either don’t care or they make it a double standard and use it as proof as to why you “deserved” to be cheated on. No amount of alcohol, peer pressure or simply having human desires, is an excuse for disrespecting you, your relationship and possibly destroying your family. Yet as women we will throw ourselves at our men, desperate to reclaim what once was just ours. We will bend over backwards to win them over again, a plea to be loved and desired once more. It’s not fair, they should be the ones bending over backwards to make things right.
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When the time is right, get all the answers you need, make a conscious decision to either try your best to put it in the past so your relationship can move forward, or choose to put it in the past and move forward alone. Much easier said than done, like, much, much easier, but still possible.

If you choose to continue in the relationship, then your next step is to heal together. Emotions are high, and you need to be prepared for the rollercoaster to recovery. Some days you’ll be angry and scream over the littlest things like the dishes in the sink still being dirty. You may develop feelings of shame, resentment, bitterness, worthlessness, depression, fear, anxious and a lot of jealousy. Allow those emotions to come, express them to your partner, family, friends or even a therapist. As you vocalize the process of healing together, you tend to strengthen your communication skills. However, keep in mind, whoever you tell, may not react how you want them to, may gossip later or more importantly, may hold a grudge when you’re trying to let it go. I advise keeping the matter between just a friend or two (you know, the ride or die bestie we all have who will offer to make them suffer), a therapist or life coach, or support groups. Support groups are full of others who will relate to you best, support you, have an outside opinion as a stranger and may have already been down your path.

Your path could take a solid two years for your relationship to feel new again, in that time, be kind to yourself. Grieve how you need to, remind yourself that you ARE good enough and that cheaters cheat due to their own psychological problems. If you’re a parent who has struggled to tend to the kids because you were too devastated to move, forgive yourself. If your children are still alive and healthy, that’s a win in my book, we need to take care for ourselves before we can give our all to others.
Don’t let someone else’s poor choices define your worth. You are stronger than you think, resilient, capable of loving and being loved, kind, beautiful and your value and worth is so immense that God looked down on this universe, with all the beauty it has to offer, and still decided it needed you.

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