The Mirrors Reflection

We are all familiar with the advice, “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” Despite understanding that, many people still get into unhealthy relationships. We use one another to fill in that last empty spot, or cover the one piece of us we don’t like, or validate us through our insecurities. This creates a codependent relationship where part of your well-being is attached to another person’s behavior. This always fails eventually. When our partner doesn’t behave the way we wanted, we feel hurt because we have attached our well-being in some way to that expected behavior. Then, because we are hurt, we become defensive, or resentful, or feel victimized. We have turned a love one into our own emotional punching bag because they don’t behave the way we want to justify our own flaws.

When we get into this codependent cycle, it is addicting. Eventually, it destroys an otherwise beautiful connection between two people. Then we lick our wounds, set our intentions to “never be treated like that again.,” create higher standards for our next relationship, and find someone so much better. Then, if we haven’t addressed our own insecurities, at some point the painful codependent cycle starts again.

Then after a few failed relationships many people just stop trying. They avoid commitment of any sort and are convinced that they are too flawed to be in a healthy relationship or that they just aren’t “meant to be” in one. Now, they have told the universe that this experience isn’t wanted, and block the potential for having that in their happiest life. Now, I do not thin anyone has to be in a relationship, but when you become so jaded or disillusioned about the possibility of one, it becomes a block.

That also makes it seem like if you don’t completely love yourself, any relationship will fail. You are not perfect and will never completely love yourself because you continuously discover more about yourself. Relationships don’t succeed because you have no insecurities, but because you radically accept each other and realize that you are both choosing to be vulnerable enough with each other to be the best mirror that enables and empowers each other to be their best self.

You are responsible for everything around you, and everything around you is a mirror of you. None more so than the people you surround yourself with. Those you let in more and are more vulnerable with, become more effective mirrors for us. So, those we choose to be in a romantic relationship with are reflecting back to us love that we have chosen to be vulnerable enough to give. Relationships are therefore not a way to fill a lack in us, complete us, or to make us better. A relationship is a place where you get to face the real you in a vulnerable and hopefully safe environment so you can be a better self.

You cannot feel someone else’s love for you, you only feel your own love. You can feel the love you are vulnerable enough to share reflected back to you if your partner is also choosing to be vulnerable. You also don’t need to feel someone else’s love for you, just allow them to feel their love for you and be vulnerable enough to be a good mirror for them. Psychologically we are drawn to those partners who better reflect the love we give because it feels good. So many times I have heard the same beginning story to a relationship. “We were immediately connected, I could feel it. We could talk for hours. I could tell he really understands me.” Then when it doesn’t work, you start to doubt your intuition and the “signs” you thought were telling you this was your partner. Really you were feeling the love you were vulnerable enough to give reflected back to you. Then reflecting back to them the love they felt because you were both vulnerable enough to do so.

Imagine waking up every morning, looking in the mirror, and getting mad at it because it didn’t show you what you wanted to see. You could get defensive, refuse to look into the mirror, and blame it for showing you messy hair. What you probably do is look in the mirror, see the messy hair, and start to fix your hair. Yet with relationships we do just that. When someone doesn’t behave the way we want, we don’t look at our expectations and why we have them we blame them. Now we create defensiveness which makes both less vulnerable and we are not able to be good mirrors for each other. If you don’t like what is happening in your relationship, you can only change you. So often we destroy otherwise amazing partnerships because we don’t like what is reflected back to us.

A relationship is an agreement with a partner to be so vulnerable with each other so that we are better mirrors for them than other people. This means we agree to allow them to be who they are and have to realize that we are both flawed. Your insecurities will come up in close romantic relationships more easily than anywhere else because there is no better mirror for you. This means that as long as we don’t fall into the codependent pain cycle, a relationship is an opportunity to become our best self because the areas we need to address are more clear there.

So the key to not getting in the codependent pain cycle in your relationships is to stay in tune with and be true to your higher self:

• Be Authentic. This means you are committed to being completely vulnerable. You are choosing to show the parts of you that are hard to face because you know this person will be a good mirror for you and you can then become a better you.

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• Be Accountable. This means you own how you feel and don’t blame your partner. If you are angry, there is something that happened that reflected that back to you and it is your feeling not theirs. This doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them about the actions that found that trigger in you, but you need to be completely authentic and realize that it is your trigger.

• Take Positive Action. Act in love, not defensiveness. Take a step back from a situation when you feel defensive and approach your partner in love not defensiveness. Also when your beloved mirror shows you something you don’t like, commit to taking action to fix it. You don’t have to be perfect, just taking a step forward creates massive amounts of love.

• Detach from the Outcomes. When conflicts arise, address them and then move on. Don’t define your union by the problems, this is a quick way into the codependent pain cycle. Be present and engaged in the now. Don’t allow yourself to be so weighed down by the past or burdened by the future hopes that you can’t enjoy what you have.

• Live in Gratitude. Appreciate and celebrate your partner as they are. Allow each other to be where you are in your journey and celebrate each step they take. This will create radical acceptance and a safe environment for both of you to be vulnerable enough to be each others’ best mirrors

When we are vulnerable enough to be each others’ best mirrors, we have a unique opportunity in a relationship to be on a joint spiritual exploration that accelerates our own journey to our happiest life.

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