As a married woman if I’m not having the sex that I want then I’m not taking responsbility for my sex.It’s my sex and I am responsible for the sex I want to have.If I’m blaming my partner for the sex we are having or blaming him cuz he always wants to have sex then I’m not taking responsibility for my sex.
Chances are if you don’t have a desire for sex then you aren’t having the sex you want.
Is your sex like a track? Do you follow the track and have sex the same way every time?
If you’re having sex the same way that you’ve had for years your not growing in your sex.
Sex changes and expands just like our emotions and bodies. It doesn’t stay stagnant. Sex is like any other thing that we grow in.
One of the first steps in taking responsibility for your sex is asking for what you want. If you don’t know what you want spend some time writing out your desires. Just knowing that you want something different is the first step. You may want more emotional connection with your partner. You may want different sexual acts. You may want more attention and time during sex.The attention and energy you put into feeling what you want is a powerful shift. Be specific when you are writing. This will help you in sharing with your partner what you want.
Maybe you want something like a bath. I want you to clean out the tub so it’s sparkly clean. I want the the bath water to be half full. I want the water to be hot to the touch. More on the hotter side than the colder side. I want a cup of epson salt. I want lavender oil, 3 drops. I want a candle at each corner of the tub. I want a folded towel laid on the counter for when I get out. I want you to slowing wash my body. I want you to trace my skin with your eyes. I want you to notice every part of my body. I want you to notice the way my breasts lay on my chest. I want to feel your hands enjoy my curves and folds. I want you to keep your attention on me and notice how I’m feeling. I want to guide your touch as it moves across the canvas of my body. I want to feel your slow gentle touch caress my body over and over again. I want you watch my body get turned on by your attention. I want you to listen to my pleasurable moans and respond.
If your thoughts are. He’ll just laugh. There’s no way he’ll have his fingers inside my pussy in 2 minutes and want to bang away.He’ll get so turned on he won’t be able to stay with what I want . This is the part where you have to work with your mind. Write out all your fears before you talk to him. Clear out the fear so you can share from a place of desire.
Then next step is sharing with your partner. Start by sharing one thing and work on that. Don’t share your desire like a bomb and run if he has questions. Stay with your desire. Stay connected all the way through.
The next step is teaching you partner step by step what you like. Giving adjustments to where the spot is. Slowing him down.Redirecting him with patience. He wants to get it right. It can be deeply vulnerable. For a man that vulnerability can look like laughing, getting frustrated or feeling so vulnerable he gets angry.
That’s all part of the intimacy for you to work through. You don’t avoid the situation so you can avoid the feelings.This is the work of being responsible for your sex. It can feel messy. It can feel awkward and its deeply vulnerable.
This is the part where you stay connected. Working together with your partner to figure it out.
Sometimes it means having awkward sex when things have changed and you are finding your way again. This is apart of sex and intimacy.
No attempts in more intimacy is ever wasted even if it’s the worst sex you’ve had so far. If you want something different you have to do the work to have it differently. Vulnerability, connection and intimacy is the work.
